Ash Ketchum:Private Eye
by Paradox Knight
Summary: It's back, kicking bottom or what? R for...well, read and find out.
1. It Starts...

Disclaimer: I DON'T own Pokémon, I just like insulting it, okay?

Ever wonder what Pokémon would be like in a murder mystery? Well, I have. That's why I wrote this fic. It's not a ships fic (unless you think of it that way), but there are some "references" throughout the fic. If you are not in high school, read at your own risk. If you are in high school, nothing should be new in this. Enjoy!!!

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It was a dark and stormy night...well, maybe not stormy, but it was definitely dark. I looked at the Felix wall clock across my office. 11:26. I figured she'd be late. I kicked back and crossed my feet on the desk. I looked at the second's hand of the clock. "5,4,3,2,1." I pointed at the door as she walked in almost as if on command.

"Misty, punctual as ever, I see." I motioned for her to sit down in the chair opposite me and put my hands behind my head.

"Sorry I'm late. The bartender kept wanting more." Misty uneasily smoothed some wrinkles in her incredibly mini skirt. Gotta love her. She's a looker and a hooker: a bad combination...wait a second, good combination, for me at least. "So, what's the big matter you couldn't discuss on the phone?" She kicked her legs up in the same position as mine, except for the crossed feet part. With her skirt incredibly short (even for a slut) she unwillingly exposed the fact that she forgot her thong at one of her last "client's" place. Noticing my attention was not where it should be, she pointed at her face and said, "Hello, I'm up here." She paused. "Is it a bit cold in here?"

I had to reposition my feet to block the sight. What I was about to tell her needed full concentration both ways, and not on body parts below the belt but above the thighs. "Do you want the straight up or sugar-coated explanation."

"Give it to me straight." She said finally realizing why she felt a chill. She put her feet on the floor to prevent any more unwanted attention.

"Lance is dead. Cause of death, bullet."

"Suicide?"

"No way. You see, recently the Elite's, past and present, have received unfriendly fan mail. The words were cut from newspaper and magazine articles with no fingerprints. The grammar and spelling was all wonky, so it'll be hard to get a lead."

"You're saying everyone got one?" She was starting to write down some things I said.

"Lorelie, Agatha, Bruno, all of them. I myself am surprised Agatha didn't have a heart attack as soon as she heard of Lance's death. What is she now? Two hundred ten?"

Without looking up from her notes, Misty answered. "Two hundred nine. Her birthday's tomorrow."

"Anyway, everyone got a little note, except Lance. He got a bullet sent Priority Mail to the back of his neck from one foot back."

"So that's why everyone tells us not to use FedEX." Misty finally looked up from her note-pad. "So, where do I fit into all of this?"

Ash got an evil smile on his face. "You're motivation. Since some of the men of the Elite's probably won't give me answers, I'll offer them a proposal. They give me what I want, which is answers. In return, you give them what they want." To make sure she got my point, I motioned a few pelvic thrusts into the air.

"I'm not getting paid enough for this." She let her head hang down and shook her head slowly.

"How does ten grand sound to you?"

Her head was up at the "ten grand" part of my sentence. "When do we leave?"

"Right now, Toots." I started to get up.

She grabbed the lamp on my desk and hit my on my head, sending me back to my chair. "I told you never to call me 'Toots'." She gently placed the lamp back on the desk then smoothed the wrinkles yet again on her skirt. "Who knows, I might even get hired while we're on the street and I won't be forced to go with you."

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Misty kept tapping her foot as I knocked on Bruno's nine-foot tall door. I had been knocking for what seemed like all night. I stopped to give my knuckles a rest. I turned to Misty and motioned to her hair. "Did I ever tell you that you look a lot better with your hair long and down?"

She thought Ash was finally making a move. With the most sensual voice she could muster, she said, "Why no, you haven't."

"Okay, just checking."

I could hear her mutter under he breath. "Damn thick-head of his. He wouldn't know a sex chance if one fell on his lap."

I knocked again then stepped back to examine the door. "Hey, Misty. You think we could--"

"No, Ash. For the ten thousandth time, we can't break down the door."

"Okay, fine." I knocked again. "This is getting stupid. It's been two hours."

Misty looked at her watch. "No it hasn't." She kept looking at her watch for a few seconds and looked up with a sly smile on her face. "Now it has."

"That's it. Enough is enough." I took my Magnum out of my pocket and fired a few rounds by the doorknob. With a few kicks, the door swung open. I don't understand it, I've hit the gym and worked out my legs, but I still can't bust open a single door without help from my trusty side arm. I reloaded the lost ammunition and told Misty, "Stay here. Just in case anyone runs out." I readied my gun and walked inside.

I walked into what I guessed was the living room. I guessed so from the TV against the wall and the sofa in the middle of the room facing the TV. "Bruno, ya here?" The TV was on and so was Jerry Springer. I almost stopped to watch the bitch-fight going on. Turns out Jesse and James were both having sex with Giovanni and they both wanted to confess to each other and somehow a fight broke out. I always knew that James guy was weird. (Sorry Team Rocket fans!) I noticed the person on the sofa. "Hey, Bruno. Can you hear me?" I stepped in front of the TV and faced Bruno. Unfortunately, Bruno was already dead. He had a bullet hole in his stomach and chest the size of Gary's ego. (Sorry Gary fans!) I took my cell phone from my belt clip and called the police chief. "Chief? Ketchum. Sorry to call so late. We've got another stiff. Send the clean up crew to Bruno's place. Tell them to bring an extra-extra-large body bag."

"Right. The team's on their way now." I ended the call and put the phone back in my belt clip. I was about to grab the remote control to turn up the volume when I heard light footsteps behind me. I turned and fired a single shot in that area, accidentally shooting a glass vase.

Misty screamed as the object next to her was obliterated.

"Misty! I told you to stay outside!" As I was saying that, I covered up Bruno's body with a blanket that was hanging over the back of the couch. I didn't want to wake the neighbors with gunshots and blood-curdling screams. I pocketed my gun. "Hey, since we're here, want to watch the last twenty minutes of Jerry Springer? I'm sure Bruno won't mind." She threw a confused glance at me. I moved my finger across my neck to give her the sign that he was as good as six feet under...even though he was only under a blanket. She nodded an understanding nod. We sat on the floor in front of the television. "Look on the bright side. You won't need to drag answer from one guy."

"Good. Two's the daily limit for me. Unless I'm drunk, that is." She started watching the show and noticed who was on. "Hey! We know them!"

"Unfortunately," I added.

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Well, that's the first chapter. From the way things are looking, this is gonna be one helluva long story. Don't worry, I won't upload it all at once. Review!!!


	2. Next!!

Second chapter. Enjoy. Remember, Ash's POV. Words in are mini author's notes. Words in ( ) are side notes of Ash.

Special guest-star this chapter. Kaz (FF.net author Kaz-Ohki)

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The morgue boys finished bagging Bruno. Amazing that they need five men to carry him. Then again, half of them were distracted by Misty who was still watching the telly.

As I was watching them carry the body out into the night, I pulled a cigar from my coat pocket. I bit off the end and dropped it in the trash bin. As I was watching it go in, I immediately saw a suspicious piece of paper. I put on a latex glove to avoid getting my fingerprints on it. "Chief!"

As the chief ran over I stuffed the cigar back into a coat pocket. "Ketchum, I told you not to call me 'Chief' outside of phone calls."

"Sorry, Tracy, but look at this." I handed him the letter. He shined his flashlight on it. "Looks like this is the only evidence so far. Seeming that it's made of newspaper clippings, I'd say there's little chance of finding fingerprints on it and there's no handwriting on it what so ever. To add to this, the grammar and spelling's all wonky, too. Probably used to cover up all clues to identity." Notice I never say what's on the letters. It's not anything about the plot, but I just thought it would be fun to have you imaginations run wild.

"Nice work, Ash." He turned around just as Kaz walked in. He put his arm around her shoulder. "Ah, Ash. This is Kaz, my fiancee."

She gladly showed off the ring. I couldn't help but whistle. I haven't seen that many diamonds since the huge jewelry theft a few years back. "Woah, that ring must have sent you back a fortune."

"Well, the ring didn't set me back that much. Sold a bunch of my art and traded some of my golden brushes at a pawnshop. Imagine my shock when I found out Professor Oak owns a pawnshop."

Tracy obviously wasn't finished ranting and raving about how little the ring really set him back, but Kaz interrupted him with a poke to the ribs. "Where's your headband? I told you not to ever take it off until the wedding!"

He took on an almost childlike tone of voice. "You know I can't wear that with my uniform."

"Officer Jenny said that any addition to the standard uniform is acceptable as long as it isn't obstructive, obscene, disrespectful in any way shape or form, and other stuff like that that you read in a high school's student/teacher contract." She turned to the open front door. "Isn't that right Jenny?"

Through the dark of the night, Tracy could see Jenny smile, yawn, nod and give a thumb up. "Yeah, I know that, but...pink with blue? How incredibly unfashionable! I'd rather be stripped of my clothes and rubbed with a cheese grater!"

In a joking tone, Kaz muttered, "Wait until the honeymoon." Then she reached into her pocket and pulled out a light blue headband that matched Tracy's uniform color near exactly. "Here, then. I made this out of some scrap fabric I had left over from making a noose for Togepi. I can believe why Misty gave me the damn egg in the first place. I always hated birthdays." She sighed and seemed to forget the last sentence of what she was saying. "Anyway, I want you to try it on." She handed him the bandanna.

"Are you kidding? It doesn't match!"

I decided to step into this little pre-marriage bar-room-brawl. "What are you talking about? It's exactly the same."

Kaz looked at me wish a cold glare. "I know we all have something to bring to this argument, but I think the thing you need to bring most is silence."

Tracy ignored what she said and went on dibbling like a fashion-sensitive...well, person. "It's not the same. Look at my uniform. Periwinkle. See the bandanna? Denim blue! I'd rather wear the pink one."

Kaz grabbed the pink one from her pocket and fitted it snugly around his forehead. Tracy and Kaz started fighting about little things like color oddities. I took this time to make an exit to find clues. I looked around and saw a thermostat. "Geez, it's hot in here." I turned to Tracy who was still bickering about fashion with Kaz. "Chief! Erm, I mean, Tracy! It okay if I lower the temp in here a bit?"

Tracy paused his little argument. "Of course. Just use gloves so you don't get prints on it!" Of course, Tracy kept on arguing.

All right, I thought. I put on an investigator's glove that I got from a hidden pocket in my coat (yes, I have a lot of pockets.) I turned on the AC. I listened to the slight hum for a while until I heard a clanking sound coming from inside the vent. I quickly shut off the AC and opened the main vent above me. A haze of dust fell from the vent. I took out the filters. More dust. I almost sneezed but I held it in to keep from attracting Misty's attention. Standing on a near-by chair, I looked inside the vent. I jumped and hit my head on the top of the vent when I heard a voice.

"What the hell are you doing?" Misty was standing directly behind me.

I took he head out the vent and said, "You scared the begeezes out of me. Go get a flashlight. It's darker than Mount Moon in there. Officer Jenny will have one."

She scurried off, got the flashlight and shoved it in my hand. I turned it on and looked in the vent. Suddenly, the light went out. I turned it around and shook it a few times only to get the high powered beam of light straight into my eyes. I flailed from surprise and panic knocking a bunch of dust around. The dust seemed to gather around my head and nose.

I couldn't help it. "_ACHOOOOOOO!!!!!_" I started to move my head out of the vent when I noticed a red shotgun shell right on the edge of the vent. I grabbed a Kleenex tissue from my pocket and grabbed it. I nearly hit my chin on the vent getting out. "Tracy! Get an evidence bag!"

Tracy quickly ended the argument with Kaz by putting on the blue bandanna. Kaz left satisfied. "What did you find?" He whipped out an evidence bag.

I placed the shotgun shell in the bag. "More evidence. Possible proof of murder weapon. We are definitely up against a smart son-of-a-bitch."

"I didn't know Misty had any kids." He chuckled at his own joke. I just hoped Misty wasn't around to kill him. "I'll have my team do fingerprint and ballistics checks, the whole nine yards." He turned and left. On the way out, he nearly ran over Officer Jenny.

I started talking to myself. "All we need now is the actual murder weapon. Odds are it's not here. Where'd Misty run off to?" I started my search in the living room. Coincidentally, it ended in the living room where I found Misty asleep on the shag carpet. "Should I wake her, carry her, or..." I decided on the unsaid option. I grabbed her wrists and dragged her out to the car.

I went back to shut the front door, but as I was a good twenty feet from the house, a ball of flames accompanied by a loud boom erupted from the house. The shock wave knocked me back on my ass. "Well, no more evidence for tomorrow there." I went back to the car. To my surprise, Misty was still asleep. Her job must really take a lot out of her.

I jumped in my car and started the twenty-minute drive to Missy's apartment.

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I'm already on the third chapter. But until then...REVIEW! 


	3. Third Time's the Charm...NOT!

First of all, I mean no offense to Kaz or Tracy. Just having a little fun. Second, I don't know where that Pepsi thing came from. Maybe it's because I'm thirsty and I didn't want to reveal my true soda tastes. We'll never know for sure. 

BTW: Mia, for future reference, school is not a place for killing and humiliating. That's what drama's for. Remember that as you read.

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I didn't fall asleep that night. I had stayed up and worked on the case. Around seven, Misty came from her bedroom, not at all surprised to see me.

"G'morning," she said with a yawn.

"Hey."

She walked back into her bedroom. I thought it was best not to follow. "Where we going today?"

"Well, I don't think you'll want to come with me. I'm going to Agatha's house."

Misty ran out of the room panicked. So panicked she forgot to put her tank top on. "What? Her house in a forest, right?" her skin crawled at the thought of a bug-ridden forest. She felt the chill in the room, looked down and ran back into her room to put on her forgotten article of clothing.

"Yes, it's in a forest." I decided to jeer her on. "With bugs. I heard the local zoo transported about fifteen different species last week in hopes to repopulate the area. Coming?"

She came out with all of her clothes on. "Sure, why not? It's not like we're going to a bug exposition or something."

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We reached Agatha's house only to find the door locked and a little piece of paper on the door. It read:

Hello, I'm sorry I'm not able to be home. If your  
visit is urgent, I'm volunteering at the Bug Expo  
in Celadon City. You can find me there until 6.  
Thanks,  
Agatha

I tucked the note away before Misty could see it. I turned to find Misty batting at a Caterpie that was trying to crawl up her leg.

"Okay, time to go." I pushed her forward.

"What? She's not home? Where is she?" Like a little five-year-old wanting to know everything.

"No where in particular," I lied.

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Misty just about ran off when we approached the gym. "Come on," I said. "It won't be that bad. All of the bugs safely put away in their cages."

"Yeah right, and I'm a virgin. I'm out of here." She turned and slowly walked away as if expecting me to follow her.

I really don't know why she keeps following me. Brock's been gone for two years now at his Pokémon Breeding Volunteer Center. Tracy has his hands tied with his job, and his fiancee. I already paid her back for the bike after the Johto League. Oh well.

As I was walking up the stairs, a young, nerdy guy walked out. I handed him a twenty and said, "Give it to the girl walking over there and, well, enjoy."

He seemed to get the picture. He smiled, said, "Thanks, dude," and ran off towards Misty.

"No, thank you." I turned back towards the building only to watch a stumbling Mia walk down the steps, gripping the handrail. "Hey, Mia. You're gripping the hand rail like it's Gary."

She was shocked and fell down the two remaining steps. "Shut up, Ash."

I walked over to her with a small laugh. "What's your excuse this time? Dress, heels, or lack-there-of, or gravity?"

She looked down at her green dress. "Shut up! So I'm clumsy on stairs, big whoop."

"You're also clumsy on LEVEL ground," I reminded.

Mia tried to lie in order to cover her Achilles' heel (in her case, the phrase hits dead-on.) "What?"

"Oh, come on. You're more clumsy than a drunk Loony Toon on a path of loose rocks."

She gave up the charade. "Who told you that?"

A man walked by and asked, "You want a free cup of coffee?"

Mia twisted her face in disgust. "No."

I decided to take a cup. "What the hell? It's free." After taking a small sip, I poured the coffee into the nearest tree pot. "Hm, can use that as drain cleaner. No wonder it's free. Anyway, your brother told me. He told me all about the 'good ol' days' of high school. His growth spurt, your constant nagging--no offense." A small laugh slipped my lips. "He even bragged about you barely escaping your Advanced Chemistry class with your life."

Mia tried to lie. "What about Chemistry?"

I went up the stairs to get out of her immediate punching range. "You know--the Bunsen burner, way too much hair-spray, the other chemicals--"

She cut me off before I got to the best part. "Hey, how was I supposed to know Hydrogen Nitride was flammable?" She quickly changed the subject. "So, why are you here? Looking for a case?"

I turned my gaze to the door. "No. I already have one. The Elite's are--"

"--being hunted down one-by-one," she concluded. "It's all over the news. Just be glad you weren't mentioned. You would be the perfect target. The killer would know who was going to curtail their scheme."

"Which reminds me. Your brother told me to tell you that he still has the scar from your exhibit of that word. And since when does 'curtail' mean to tackle?" A/N: At least I didn't bring up the _other_ incident that actually _did_ give me a scar.

She blushed at the reminder. "How else were we supposed to show something being cut down? He's just lucky I didn't have an ax."

I shook my head, said good-bye and walked inside to prevent ending up like her "bro" after high school: tall, skinny, and scarred from Mia.

As I opened the door, a bunch of Pokémon calls came from inside. I had never seen so many bug Pokémon in one place before. They had everything from Caterpie to Ledyba on exhibit. I searched the Expo for Agatha. I was pelted with all kinds of coupons like "50% off Potions" or "Buy one Pokéball, Get 1 FREE" and stuff like that. I roamed around until finally I saw her.

She was romping and frolicking with some young Spinarak. I never thought I'd see the day with a two-hundred-year-old frolicking. It was actually kinda scary. She noticed me and finished up her spiel about the Spinarak's webbing and its durability.

She signaled with her hands for me to meet her in her office. The only way to it was to go through the Spinarak cage. One of the little buggers kept trying to hump my leg. I had a heck of a time shaking him off. Agatha walked in already while I was taking care of the little arachnid. I finally managed to shake it loose and slammed the door behind me. I let out a sigh of relief.

"What do you feed those things? Viagra? Prozac, maybe?"

She just smiled. "No, I'm taking Prozac, not the Pokémon. As for the Viagra--"

I held out my hand to avoid a rather uncomfortable conversation. "Please, don't go on. I really don't want to know." I don't know what's worse: a two-hundred-year-old with Viagra, or a two-hundred-year-old with a sex life. I turned back to the door where the tiny Pokémon kept scratching. It should hire Misty for a day or two. I took my mind off of sex-mad spiders and really weird, old people, the sex-mad part anyway. "So Agatha, how are you holding up?"

"I'm holding up rather well. How are you?"

"Oh, fine. Fine." I decided not to bring up Bruno's murder the previous day. I didn't want to make her last show…well, her last show. "Do you mind if I check your office for anything suspicious? You know, with the serial killings and all." I mentally hit my head at the mention of the plural "serial _killings_."

She seemed to notice, but didn't respond. "By all means. Better safe than sorry."

"Or dead," I added. She left as that damn eight-legged-sex machine came running for me. I stood and gave it one good kick out of the door. Agatha shut the door. I almost felt sorry for the Spinarak. I shrugged it off.

I searched most of the entire room. I started with the closet, then the fridge where I swiped a Pepsi. I popped the top and took a long drink. I spit out my mouthful when I was surprised by a series of beeps. I followed the sound under the desk. What I found was a firebomb.

I saw a documentary on PBS about hidden warfare. A little LED display would count down from ten. When it reached zero, it would release and ignite a burst of Propane gas. The fireball would then burn everything it touches and then spread like a wildfire. At the moment, the timer was on 5.

I ran as fast as I could. I opened the door to the fridge and grabbed two more Pepsi's and ran out of the door just in time to save my ass, and the sodas. I put the cans of pop on a shelf, ran for a fire extinguisher, and ran back.

The fire was out in minutes. I tossed the empty red can to a bystander who held it up like a trophy.

I walked over to Agatha who looked like she saw a ghost. "Well, I must say, it's been a blast." Boos came from the people surrounding for the bad pun. "Watch your back. The killer's after you now. Lay low."

She nodded absently. I patted her on the shoulder and surveyed the charred doorway. I grabbed the cans of soda and walked away.

Once again, I was startled by a series of beeps. I turned around. It was behind me. I turned around again. Still behind me. I looked at my watch. It was my alarm. I had set it for noon so I'd know when it was time to eat. I sighed with relief and started laughing at myself.

I dropped the sodas, as I was scared to death with yet another sound. This wasn't a few beeps. This was a gunshot. The stampede of people started immediately. I tried pushing my way through the mob, but it was no use. I looked up to see some webs from Spinarak's evolved form. I can't believe it. I trained with Pokémon most of my life and I can't remember what one's name is. I climbed up a few feet only to fall on my butt.

"Why didn't I pay more attention in ROTC?" By then, the mob had ended, with exception of a few Pokémon. I mad sure the sodas were okay. All of them were fine, just a little shaken up. I'll have to wait before opening them. That or give one to Mia. I ran back to Agatha's booth. She wasn't there. I looked in the office only to find a large puddle of blood with a trail leading to and out the window. I didn't think about looking out the window. Besides, the killer probably fled with the crowd.

I gave up and walked out to the empty room. I pulled out my cell phone and started dialing the eleven-digit phone number for Tracy. I hit send and said, "I need to put his number on speed-dial.

This day was full of surprises. A female obviously in Misty's line of work answered.

__

"Thank you for calling Kinky Pleasures. How can I make you happy?"

I hung up and muttered, "I _really_ need to put his number on speed dial." I tried again and made sure it was the right number.

One ring.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

Finally, an answering machine picked up. It was Kaz. _"Hey! Sorry Tracy can't come to the phone right now. He's a bit **tied up**."_

Tracy's muffled voice was in the back. _"Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeelp!!!"_

Kaz again. _"After the beep, leave your name and all the usual stuff. Bye!"_

I was expecting a beep, but it was a squeal of Tracy being tickled. I really wanted to hurry now from fright one of them would pick up. "Uh, right, it's Ash, I have more news about out killer friend, nice answering machine message, bye." I quickly hung up.

"I **_really_** need to stop calling him at home."

I replaced the phone and walked out. I backed back in to see a poster advertising a Pokémon show. Lorelie was hosting a water and ice Pokémon show in Cerulian. "I hope she doesn't mind a visit. I walked out.

I ran back in as I remembered the forgotten Pepsi.

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Hope you liked it. Now REVIEW!!! I worked my ass off on this.


	4. A Slippery Location

Well, this will be my first update since…since…um…a long time ago. My reasoning for the wait is simply this: I have been brainstorming for a long time. I came up with a HUGE twist that I had to initiate THIS chapter. So, seeing that the original was destroyed in a computer crash, I painstakingly copied it from FF.net and…re-writ it. That's right, a new ending.

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Chapter 4

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I walked out of the gym cradling my Pepsi. I stopped in my tracks when I realized a disturbing fact: I forgot which one was shaken up! I looked up and saw Misty standing there with a scowl on her face. "Hey, Misty. Where's the nerd-boy? I thought you'd still be busy with him." I laughed a bit. It was cut short by a fierce glare of anger from Misty. The laugh turned into a slight whimper.

Her glare turned to a slight smile. She held up the money I gave the nerd. "Oh. He 'hired' me all right. Lucky for me, he went unconscious as soon as he saw my breasts."

I decided to make a joke. "Well, they are real 'knock-outs'." Again I laughed. This again was cut short, this time by a mallet on my head. "OW!"

She noticed the Pepsi. "Oh, you got me a Pepsi! How sweet."

I quickly looked at both trying to figure out which one was shaken up. After all, I didn't want soda on my face. I ran out of time, closed my eyes, and handed her the one in my right hand. She took it and opened it.

To my dismay, there was no soda fountain. I looked at the remaining Pepsi with fear. Misty chugged the entire can. She belched and looked at me curiously. "Aren't you going to drink yours?"

I looked again frantically between the soda-bomb and Misty. I slowly slipped my finger under the can's tab. I closed my eyes and pulled up.

I was sprayed in the face. I opened my eyes, eyelashes dripping with Pepsi. The can was still bubbling over, when I noticed there was almost no actual liquid left in the can. Misty started laughing her head off.

Footsteps interrupted her laughing spree. "If that's the way a Coke treats you, you should see what my Chikorita would do." It was a trainer. He was rather short and somewhat pudgy. His short hair was spiked and colored blue with colored hair glue. "I'm Ernesto, the greatest grass Pokémon trainer in the world. I'm wandering my hometown of Celadon to challenge foreigners. Prepare to battle."

Misty just shrugged. "That sounds like a blast from the past."

I got a tad bit offended at my once abundant...optimism and wishful thinking. "I accept your challenge." I pulled the small Pokéball from an inside pocket of my trench coat. "Croconaw, time for someone to learn a lesson. This ought to be quick."

The small kid tossed a Pokéball into the area. A small Chikorita popped out. "I whole-heatedly agree. Chik! Razor leaf!"

"Croconaw, dodge." I said this with almost sleepily and half-bored. "Water gun."

The water went from Croconaw's mouth, blasted through "Chik", and swept over the trainer. "Hey! You must respect the power of--"

Water interrupted him. He tried to continue. "Respect the power--"

Water interrupted him again. "Respect--"

I interrupted this time. "Hydro pump."

Corconaw spewed a river of water at the trainer, who was still trying to talk. "AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!" He went flying out of sight in a Team-Rocket-like moment.

That was easy, I thought. "That was easy," I said. "Now, on to Cerulean."

Misty tossed a confused look my way. "How are we going to get there?"

Just then, a big Greyhound bus pulled up and opened its doors. The metallic voice rang out, _"Next stop, Cerulean City. Home of the Sensational sisters."_

"Does that answer your question?" I allowed Misty to go in front of me.

We started off in different seats, and then she trapped me in against the window. After a few minutes, Misty grew tired and used my lap as a pillow. I realized that she was actually trying to get to my "meat and two veg" and sleeping was the only way to get to it. To prevent from having my "snoozing todger" being handled on a public bus, I forced my way out of the seat and into the seat in front of me. Luckily, an old lady was sitting there to keep Misty away.

The bus stopped at Saffron for refuel. I got off to prevent having any more close encounters of the X-rated kind. I found my way to "The Centre," the Saffron City Pokémon center. I opened the door and was greeted by a familiar voice.

"Pika!"

"Pikachu! It is really you?" Pikachu leapt into my arms and I started scratching his head like I always did. Pikachu and I had separated a few years back. I went on to become a Private Investigator. He went to Saffron and help Nurse Joy. "So, have you been needing to claw your way away from a female?"

Pikachu blushed slightly. "Cha, pika pi."

"No?"

Pikachu's cheeks blended in with its blushing face. "Chu."

"EIGHT? Wow, and I thought I was busy."

Pikachu glanced at Misty. "Pi cha chu, pika pi?"

I looked back at Misty. At the moment, a sailor was hiring her. "Still can't get rid of her. The only time I get personal space is at home and when she's working. Women, eh?"

"Picha," he repeated.

Nurse Joy came out of one of the many Operation Rooms. "Pikachu! I need help in OR2!"

I set Pikachu down. "See you around, bud. Take care."

"PI!" Pikachu waved an ear as he left. I walked over to the vid-phone. I dialed up the Oak Research Center. Gary picked up.

"Hello. Professor Oak. Gary Oak, that is." He noticed my vid. "Oh, hey Ash. What's new?"

I ignored his question. "I am never going to get used to you as a Professor. Why did your granddad have to die? Anyway, I need a Charizard to get from here to Celadon."

Gary nodded as he got the Pokéball. "Misty trying to get to a certain part of the male anatomy again?"

"Yeah. No matter what, I can't seem to detour her from it. How did you do it with those cheerleaders?"

Gary's face went beet-red. "I didn't. They got to me anyway. They all teamed up on me."

"Too much info!" I squinted and looked away from the screen.

"What? You asked." A little ding rang out in the background, followed by a female voice.

"Gary, the Jacuzzi's ready."

Gary finished up as he was taking off his shirt. "Gotta go! Here's the Charizard. Bye."

"That sounded like--" Gary hung up. I finished anyway. "--my mom." That's my mom for you. She always had a thing for all the Oak men.

The Pokéball came out on my side. I grabbed it and walked out. I just called out the flame lizard when I heard moans of pleasure coming from the adjacent alley. I hopped on Charizard and flew off.

I arrived in Cerulean a short while later. I recalled Charizard and went to the gym. The doors were locked. Being a Private Investigator, when the door says OPEN and the doors are locked, I jump to deadly conclusions. I ran around the gym to find a door. I didn't shoot down the front door because of the commotion it would have caused. I finally found a pink door with neon lights around it. I cautiously opened the door. "Well, what do you know?" I said out loud. "The gym is actually a brothel. I'll bet ten bucks it's run by the Sensational Sisters and Lorelie's actually volunteering here."

A ten-dollar bill was pushed onto my shoulder. A female voice accompanied it. "You won that bet."

I turned to find Lilly. She was hardly wearing anything at all. "Why am I not surprised?" I took the ten dollars and stuffed it in my pocket.

Lilly looked at me with a look of remembrance. "You look extremely familiar. Have we met? Perhaps before the gym was turned into a sex-bar? For some reason, I associate your image with Misty."

I explained how we first met. "That's because I came here a long time ago to get a badge. Misty was tagging along and forced you to let her battle me. She got so pissed off that you gave me the badge."

She hit herself on the head. "Oh, that's right. You also helped us out with the Mermaid thing." Her voice took on a seductive tone. "You've grown since then. Mind if I take that ten off of you?"

"Yes, I do mind, actually. Where's Lorelie?" She pointed down a hall. I started down the hall. "About the ten, maybe later."

As I walked, I passed a bulletin board. In big font were the words "**SLUT OF THE MONTH**" with a picture under it. I was extremely surprised at who it was. Under the picture was the caption: "Deliah Ketchum". I had known my mom was weird, but not like this. I shook the thought to the back of my brain and walked on. Soon, I came to the main pool of the gym. There was Lorelie directing some Machoke to set up for the convention. She noticed me and told me to wait just a second in the waiting room.

I walked into the waiting room and noticed a magazine called Gizelle Monthly. I shuddered at the thought of Gizelle going Playboy on everyone. I had just gotten comfortable in my seat when in walked Lorelie.

She started to take her shirt off. "Sorry to keep you waiting. What package do you want?" She turned to hang up her shirt.

I tried not to look at her now-exposed back. "I'm not here for any 'package'. I'm here for answers."

Disappointed, she put her shirt back on, not that it was much of a difference. "You're not another journalist, are you?"

"No, Private Eye. I'm working on a case. A serial murderer is at large and is showing no delay what-so-ever."

"So what does this have to do with me?"

Very nonchalantly, I answered, "You might be next."

"Me? Yeah right. Now, why are you really here?" She came up to me and sat on my lap.

"Like I said, I'm here for info. Who would want to kill you, have you had any problems with law-suits--"

She gave me a sarcastic look with "No Shit Sherlock" written all over it.

"Right, bad question. I'm also here for your alibi."

She immediately got a worried look on her face. She stood up and walked almost too slowly to a desk. "Why would you need that?" She reached under the desk.

I heard the repeated click of a hidden security button being pressed. She was stalling. I cut to the chase. "You had a one week fling with Bruno, if I remember correctly. You tried to kill him by dropping a Golem on him. He caught it and only got a broken arm. Lance kicked you from the Elite's the day before he was, using a mob term, 'off-ed'."

"I don't know what you're talking about." She bolted out the door. As soon as she did, a gun shot blazed through the building. Almost as if on cue, the alarms went off from Lorelie's previous button pushing.

"Oh, crap." I knew everyone would peg me with this, so I did the first thing that popped into my head. I ran.

I managed to work my way to the back door without confrontation. It was then I ran into trouble. Five identical cop cars were blocking my way. Five identical Jenny's were all holding back five identical Growlithes in one hand. The worst part, of course, were the five identical guns all trained on me.

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Duh, duh, dun! Major twist, eh, Hanni B.? (BTW: You're next, seems that you're the only one who reads…or at least reviews this. But I'll finish it anyway.) Chapter VI is up next (soon?)


	5. Hanni, Don't Hate Me!!!!

**THE WAIT IS OVER! CHAPTER 5 IS HERE!!!! **That's right, after a seemingly never-ending pause (and half threatening e-mails from Hanni B.) I am continuing the fic.

First of all, a very special thank you goes out to Hanni B. for her e-mails and discussion. *Turns to Hanni B.* This is where that physical info you gave me comes into play. Don't hate me after you read it. Okay?

Enjoy the chapter.

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"_Drop your gun! Put your hands above your head, step into the spotlight!_" rang out the loudspeaker. Not wanting any more trouble, I obeyed. Suddenly, four gunshots rang out. The main spotlight was instantly shattered. One officer dropped with a gaping hole in her arm. Another dropped with a wounded leg. At the same moment, one of the cars' fuel tank blew. Flames spewed everywhere. I backed up to the wall of the gym in the commotion. I turned my head to find a rope dangling from the roof.

"There he is! Open fire!" Before I knew it, bullets were flying in my direction and, thankfully, rebounding off the walls only a few precious centimeters from me. I climbed for all I was worth. Even then I didn't go that fast. So, at the first opportunity, I jumped to a roof-access ladder. I jumped not a moment too soon. As soon as I jumped, a bullet cut through my supposed escape rope right where my head had been. I reached the roof to find a small piece of paper folded in half.

I heard the one officer yell, "Get a chopper up there!" I ducked behind a generator and unfolded the paper.

_Well, well, well. Look who's been bad.  
Couldn't let you have all the attention.  
Couldn't let you get arrested either, not  
after all the fun we've had so far. Catch  
me if you can. Guess who's next.  
"Killer"_

I looked up to the next rooftop to find an indistinguishable person waving. The person turned around and ran out of site. Before I could get up, the helicopter had its spotlight trained on me. I managed to dodge the small burst of bullets. I ran as fast as I could in a random way so the gunner in the air couldn't get a good bead on me.

As I ran, I grabbed Charizard's pokéball and tossed it on the edge of the gym. "Time to make a hasty exit." I hopped on the flame lizard and gave him further instructions. "A little flame diversion, please."

Charizard nodded, turned its head around and over me. He let loose a fireball at the oncoming chopper. It hit it's target in the rear rotors. They were forced to land. In the mean time, I flew out of there.

^**^**^**^

I decided to fly to Fuchsia City. Koga was visiting his daughter to see how the gym was running. I decided I would sit around and wait for the killer to go after Koga. I told Charizard to land in an alleyway by close to the gym. I decided to get a drink to ease some of the stress of being a runner from the law.

I recalled my Charizard and decided to go to the small place I noticed right by the alleyway. It had a neon sign by the door. One second it had an open eye, the next it was half shut. I looked to see what the place was called. "The Lazy Eye Bar". I pushed open the saloon style doors and stepped into the bar. It smelt like beer and the ground was sticky with spilt alcoholic beverages. No wonder the place was almost full.

I walked over to the bar and sat onto a stool between two guys who didn't know the meaning of the words "shower," "deoderant," and "soap."

The bartender, a female of medium hight and brown hair, walked over to me. I couldn't help noticing her popping a lemondrop into her mouth. "What can I get for you?" she asked.

"I'll have a whiskey." I don't know why I ordered that.

"How would you like it?" She turned and started pouring my whiskey.

"Straight. With ice and lemonade, a cherry and a slice of lemon." What!? I don't know what I was thinking.

"Would you like a little umbrella in it, too?" She turned, set the drink in front of me.

I picked up my drink and turned to face the stage in the bar. Gary, James, Jesse, Richie, and Todd just started playing a rendition of "Mad Season" by Matchbox Twenty. Gary was singing lead with everyone else doing backup and instrumentation.

After the song ended, one man in the audience yelled, "Are you done yet?"

Gary nodded and walked off stage. Everyone cheered.

I turned back around to the bar and set down the now empty glass. "Bartender!"

She came over to me and, being the first time she saw me that night, saw my face. She squeeled and jumped over the bar at me. She trapped me in a huge bear hug.

"IT'S YOU!!!! It's you, it's you, it's you, it's you, it's you, it's you, it's YOU!!!!" she exclamed.

"Yes, I know it's me," I managed to gasp. "But, who are you?"

She released my from her grip. I gasped for air as I tried to ignore the burly laughing of the rest of the "patrons". She got off the bar and started to pour more whiskey for me, even though I would have liked a shotgun. She turned to me, gave me the drink and started puting her two braids in order.

"Sorry, come with me. I'll explain." She tried to open the counter-door to let me behind the bar. All I cared for was that I was closer to the beer. She finally gave up pushing and pulling at the door, so she told me to hop over.

I reached to the door, hit it, and opened it with no trouble. I followed her to a back room. Before she went in, she called out to the room next to it, "Georgina! Your shift!" She turned and mumbled, "Drunk slut."

She clapped twice and all the lights went on. I mean ALL the LIGHTS went on. There was neon everywhere. The walls were covered with Clefairy posters, pictures, and photos. Then she pushed a button by her bed. The walls seemed to change pages. If the Clefairy walls that turned were scary, the other side was just down-right freaky, horror movie-ish, terrifying. The newly revealed walls showed pictures of me and the newspaper clippings of all of my cases, including the current one.

She walked over to a small fridge in the corner. "Flattered?"

"More like creeped out."

"You want a cucumber? Frozen blueberry, maybe?"

"No, what I want is your name. Then an explanation, then maybe a cucumber."

"Oh, sorry." She popped another lemondrop into her mouth. "Name's Hanni. I'm just really obsessed with you. In fact, look at my shoes."

I expected to find I LUV ASH written all over them, but when I looked, I saw straining duct tape covering the top of them.

"It's so I don't run and hug you until all oxygen leaves your body."

"I appreciate it."

"By the way, what's the next step in the case? Are you going to set a trap? Are you going to let another Elite die? Are you going to..."

"The case is Confidential. I can't tell a soul."

"That's okay, I already sold my soul to the makers of lemondrops." She paused and brightened up some more, if that were possible. "Take me with you! I can help in the case! Plus, I can get you free drinks in Lazy Eye Bars all over Kanto. Sure, we're the only one, but still..."

"Oh crap! The..." Nearly gave out my plan. "Koga! Gotta go. Nice meeting you."

Hanni's face went a bit more bright. "Lemondrops kicking in."

"This can't be good." I ran over to the fridge, grabbed a cucumber and left a small tip. I decided she could either use it on therapy or more lemondrops. I ran out the door, slid over the counter, and ran out.

I ran the short distance to the gym. I ran into the courtyard only to hear Koga's voice.

"But why?"

I drew my gun and readied it. I turned around a pillar to find Koga on his knees with the killer all in black (inclding ski-style mask) behind him with a gun pointed at his head. "STOP!" I yelled. The killer turned their head towards me.

I heard a small laugh. The killer pulled the trigger. I aimed to kill as Koga's lifeless and brainless body fell on the paved ground.

"DROP THE GUN!!" I yelled.

The killer turned entirely to me. They held the gun out ot arm's-length. "Now drop it!"

A male voice from behind startled me. "I think you're the one who should drop it." I immediately relaxed my arms and set my gun on the ground. "Raise your hands where I can see them, Baby." I did.

"Lt. Surge, I presume." I looked over my shoulder. I turned back to the killer. "Well, you got me. What's next, explain why? Maybe reveal who you are? After all, odds are I'm not getting out of here."

The killer took their gun from it's dangling point and trained it on me. With their free hand, they removed their mask.

I couldn't beleive my eyes!

It was...Agatha!!

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CLIFF HANGER! I'm working on the next chapter as you read...that is, if you're reading this before I post the next chapter. Odds are next chapter will wrap up the whole thing. The ETA for that chapter? No clue.


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